Here I sit over a year later overwhelmed with his story yet again and moved to tears. It is emotional to re-live what I went through, and I haven’t even finished the story yet!
Here is my attempt, a year later, to finally finish Jacob’s story in honor of his “supposed to be” birthday!
They got me in the operating room and Adam had to stand out in the hall while I got my epidural. Thankfully I had my Stacy with me and as I sat on the table, I wrapped my arms around her neck and held on as they gave me the drugs. The numbing shot hurt the worst, but I was so sick and so miserable and starting to feel like I was going to jump out of my skin that it was hard to stay still. I don’t know what I would have done without Stacy there to lean on.
They laid me down on the table and what seemed like after forever, finally let Adam come in the room. At that time I was with it enough to joke with them and tell that to cut carefully because I was a bikini model.
Dr. Walker was on that day, but Dr. Cacciatore was on call and came in for my surgery because he knew that I was Stacy’s cousin (he is my favorite). Both doctors are Stacy’s favorite and it made me feel better with them both in there.
Soon I felt like my legs were bent and they kept telling me that they were straight, but since I couldn’t see them it was hard to reconcile what I was being told and what I felt.
I don’t even know how to begin to describe what I was feeling. I wasn’t anxious over the delivery or even Jacob coming 10 weeks early. My body was sick and it gave me this horrible feeling. I felt like I was going to leap out of my skin. My brain wasn’t anxious, my body was. They kept telling me that they couldn’t give me any medicine to help me feel better until Jacob was out. I desperately wanted to be aware enough to remember the moment my son was born, but I was having trouble focusing on my son’s birth and not the craziness that I was feeling.
I knew that if I didn’t keep my arms still that they would strap them down and I knew that I definitely didn’t want to be strapped down. The only way to get through the time it took to get Jacob out (they decided to section me at 11am, I was in the operating room by 1130am and Jacob was born around 12 noon) was to move my head back and forth and back and forth. It helped with the feeling of wanting to jump out of my skin.
I don’t remember when they pulled Jacob out. Adam says he did cry, but he went straight from my belly into a window that they had from the operating room into the NICU. I didn’t see him at all and Adam hardly saw him. All I knew was that now I could have some of that medicine to help me find my sanity again.
I got the first dose of medicine and it did nothing. They were so patient with me and explained that they can always give me more, but can’t take any back so I have to wait a little while to make really sure that I needed more (I had the best anesthesiologist, Kevin who was a Christian and again one of Stacy’s favorites). Finally, they gave me more and I don’t remember anything else. I’m told that my arm dropped off the table and I grabbed my doctor’s butt. Poor thing.
I woke up in the recovery room. All of our family was there. I remember a few things, but I was still in and out. This is what I remember:
Grace bringing me Jacob’s lamb (I wanted to cuddle it to get my smell on it and then put it in Jacob’s incubator; it never made it to him as I slept with it until he came home)
Adam hugging Micah, before anyone else, and breaking down crying
Mimi and Pop sitting opposite my bed
Feeling so tired
Hugging my husband
Not itching anymore
Being filled with so many emotions, but at the same time being very numb to all that was happening
At some point, I was wheeled into the NICU to meet my little boy. I was still out of it and hardly remember it (thankfully we have a picture to help). He was so small and hooked up to so many things.
I have so many holes in my memory of that day. I wasn’t in the NICU long and even though I was desperate to meet my little boy, I was still so stick and just wanted to sleep. I don’t remember the trip from the NICU to my room, but I do remember them just about taking off the door frame trying to get my bed into my room.
The rest of Wednesday was a blur. At some point I did realize that I had never asked if Jacob was ok or if he cried or anything about him. That is how sick I was (I didn’t have too much medicine in me)! They gave me medicine to help me sleep and I was in and out all night. I also had to pee all night long and needed Adam’s help with that (I had LOTS of fluid to get rid of!), a trend that continue until about the 3rd day home.
Thursday morning the plan was to get me up and walking, showered and then go meet my son. I was still groggy and sore and wasn’t moving too fast. They got me up in a chair where I sat watching TV with Jenny while Adam went and showered. I was going to shower next and then head to the NICU.
Side note: I was supposed to be pumping this entire time, but I don’t think I pumped that much. I was so overwhelmed and didn’t quite understand the importance of pumping right then. Jacob wasn’t eating any milk at this point, but Adam faithfully took the little bit I had to the NICU for them to store. By Thursday morning he had already made several trips to visit our little boy.
So I was waiting for the shower and started to not feel well. All I remember is telling Jenny that I didn’t feel well and needed to lie down. The next thing I knew I was being thrown on the bed by what seemed like 20 people (probably about 5) and the room was spinning. I was limp, but coherent enough to tell them what I was feeling. They asked me what year it was and who the president was. I knew it was important to answer those questions correctly, but it was an election year and I was so nervous that I would tell them the name of who was running. Thankfully I was able to think clearly enough to tell them that Bush was the president.
They gave me oxygen (I had to keep that thing in my nose for a little while; it is uncomfortable and cold) and put me back on the blood pressure medicine and re- catheterized me (fun stuff!). I was told that my blood pressure still hadn’t gone down. The doctor (he is not my favorite), as the room was still spinning, was telling me that I probably shouldn’t have any more kids because I was so severe, etc. Later we found out that yes I am at risk for a repeat performance, but it is ok to at least try once more and that the doctor was being a little dramatic and premature in his diagnosis.
On my chart you will not find that I had a seizure at all. My next favorite nurse (besides Stacy), Tonya is a good friend of Stacy and a Christian. In fact, she came to our Christmas production just 3 days before I went into the hospital and wasn’t surprised to hear that they were sectioning me early. Tonya undid what the crazy doctor said to me and told me that she was the first to get in my room and absolutely I was having a seizure and that God must have stopped it. There was no doubt in her mind that that is what happened. Medically, they say I couldn’t have had a seizure because I was coherent enough to tell the doctors what I was feeling and answer their questions, but Tonya saw me first and knows the power of our God.
I am so glad that my Jenny was in the room with me. I didn’t have enough time to holler out for a nurse and needed her to alert them to what was happening. I’m sorry Jenny for giving you such a scare! It all happened so very fast. God, in His infinite wisdom, took care of every last detail!
Because I was back on the medicine and stuck in my bed, I couldn’t go see Jacob that day. It wasn’t until Friday that I finally got to shower (I shower everyday and it had been since Tuesday morning since I had showered; oh, and my WONDERFUL husband was the one who selflessly showered me since I couldn’t do much on my own as I was still so weak) and then got to go see my son for the first time.
I don’t think I’ll ever forget that moment. To see your little child, who is supposed to be inside of you, growing and protected, in the incubator, hooked up to all sorts of stuff so helpless. I can’t even begin to describe what that was like. I couldn’t do anything for him. I couldn’t hold him. I couldn’t kiss him. I could barely touch him. And yet, in spite of all of that, I knew that I loved him so much more than I ever knew I could.
I was discharged from the hospital on Saturday and that was the second hardest day of this entire ordeal. To leave my son there while I went home was just beyond what my mind could process. I didn’t want to leave. I still felt so sick, but all I wanted to do was just sit there and stay with him. How could I leave him? I hadn’t even gotten to hold him yet.
The peace of God is amazing and I still can’t tell you how I managed to leave the NICU that night (it might have helped that I was in a wheel chair).
Jacob was in the NICU for 5 weeks and 6 days. The hardest day was the night before he came home. I was so scared that something would happen and he would have to stay longer.
He amazed the doctors and the nurses. We had a few setbacks, but for the most part he did so much better than he was supposed to. White boys in the NICU statistically do the worst, but not my son. He is a fighter and put all of those other babies to shame. For the most part, we just had to wait and wait for him to gain weight. We did get to hold him the day after we left the hospital and that is what I did every day until he came home (I only missed one day of holding him, I guess I just let Adam have a turn and then we left, and was a wreck that night and so never again did I go a day without holding my little boy).
The nights were hard on me. I cried most nights, but those emotions didn’t compare to the emotions I had when we walked in our front door for the first time as a family of three.
My Jacob is my miracle boy. He was just swimming in my belly, having a great time and doing so well, when my body decided to forever change his world. He fought hard and survived. I fought hard and survived. God protected us, provided for us and comforted us.
Could this story repeat itself with our next child? Yes, but I trust our God and know that no matter what happens He is in control and nothing can take Him off His throne. I have a BEAUTIFUL and PERFECT 14-month-old to remind me of that every day!
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